I was raised Catholic. That sounds like a cliché, doesn't it? I'm not sure how else to say it though. From the time I was born, I went to church every Sunday, went to Sunday school until they opened a Catholic school in our district, wore a uniform to Catholic high school, was a lector in my parish church.
I personally didn't take it too seriously, but always felt respectful. For example, while I would never have considered myself a religious person, I tried my best to be thoughtful when studying for sacraments like confirmation. And I never questioned going to extra masses on special occasions like Holy Thursday, or Ash Wednesday. Eating pancakes on Pancake Tuesday was preceded by a talk by Mom about how this was a special treat to prep us for the time of hardship that we use to remember Jesus' sacrifice, etc.
Naturally, the adolescent years brought much skepticism, and though I kept going to church (enjoying the ritual, and the hour of weekly meditation, even if it tended more toward boys than saints), I gave up going to (and believing in) confession when I queried the priest on some detail about sins and he was totally unprepared to answer me. In university, I gave up going to church, except when visiting or being visited by my mother. I continued to cling to the idea that I was still Catholic in a general sense -- mainly by not openly rejecting the idea of it, even though I totally disagreed with many of the well-known (ie: politicized) tenets, such as the abortion, gay rights, etc.
One of the things that used to really bug me was the idea of giving things up for Lent. As children, we did it in a simplified way -- candy, TV, meat on Fridays, etc. But when I grew older, I began to question what this meant, really, and how it was supposed to affect me as a person. I tried to focus on the idea of giving things up as imposing hardship... But giving up petty material things seemed too trivial to matter. And the priests giving the sermons would always talk about giving up coffee and trying to tie that to Jesus' suffering. How trite. It made much more sense to me that if we were trying to use the Lenten period to learn something -- like, assimilate Jesus' sacrifice which ultimately (according to the church) saved us all, wouldn't it be better to DO SOMETHING, rather than not do something? Like, do something that was a hardship, that made a difference in the world? Wouldn't Lent be the perfect time to volunteer to shovel the elderly neighbour's driveway, canvas for UNICEF, or volunteer in a soup kitchen? But nobody ever talked about that, and I gave up recognizing Lent, the way I'd given up on confession. Cafeteria Catholic, right?
In my mid-twenties, I traveled to Israel with my mom and sister on a sort of Catholic pilgrimage... We used the New Testament as a sort of tour guide, starting in Nazareth and ending in Jerusalem carrying a cross along the Via Dolorosa. I'm sure that sounds cheesy, but it was a pretty cool experience, and I viewed it as a sort of test of faith. What I came home with was an appreciation the history of the events, a context for my "faith"... and a realization that I didn't really believe in Catholicism as a spiritual reference, religion as a guiding institution, or Jesus as the "actual" saviour.
I do enjoy attending Mass occasionally with my mom on special occasions -- it's a soothing and comfortable ritual. But, I can no longer say that I am Catholic. Or Christian. Or Anything. And I forgot to make pancakes last night. (We had spaghetti and meatballs.)
But I like the idea of Karma, and making other people feel good by trying to be a decent person.
2 comments:
The childhood, teenage and young adult years sound just like something I could have written (but no so beautifully). As an adult, I just can't get into the ritual anymore (the last time I tried was in an airport when my plane was delayed and they announced a mass on the speakers - I had all that free time and it seemed like 'a call'). I try and recapture the feeling, but the eagerness is lost, as well as the connection. I never really identified strongly with religion (I thought my friends who did were joking). I believe that we are all God - God is within us - and that is what makes us decent.
Lovely post. It's funny - I was thinking about this very subject on the way to work this morning, though my thoughts weren't nearly so eloquent.
I thought about how religion is supposed to form a framework for one's behaviour, but belonging to a particular religion doesn't make you a good person. I want my boys to grow up to be good, caring people but we don't go to church, so teaching by example is even more important. I hope I don't mess it up.
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