Findley is gone and it really sucks.
I wanted to write a brief and simple post like Sleepwalker and Trixie (who I acknowledge have recently endured similar experiences). But I suck and I need to blubber and wail just a little bit (more).
We did cuddle him up until the end; in fact, pets and cuddles were the only thing that seemed to console him as he deteriorated to the point of immobility. I suppose it should not have been a surprise that a kitty like Findley wasn't the type to run away and hide.
It was a really difficult decision, but we did end up taking him to our veterinarian. It became obvious that he was in distress, and it was honestly unbearable. We were able to hold him the whole time, and stayed with him for a long time afterward, until they finally took him away.
This whole experience is new to me (which is maybe why I am being so melodramatic). I realize now that it is an enormous burden to take active control over the life/death of a creature. It was agonizing to try to decide whether we should let Findley go on his own, or take him to be euthanized. Ultimately, it seemed worse to let him suffer than help him along... and we don't feel like we made a mistake. But being the one to give the nod "okay, let's go now past the point of no return" and actually snuff the life of the little guy who trusts you so implicitly... Consciously CHOOSING which "one last cuddle" is THE last one. I think my heart will always be a little bit broken from having made and lived out that decision.
And in the couple of days that have passed, we have been surprised at the grief we are feeling. I totally took for granted how deeply embedded in my consciousness and subconsciousness that little kitty was. Last night when we returned home from dinner (happy birthday Mom!), as we were pulling up to the house it struck me that it was an empty house. Seems like every time I'd pulled up to the house before, I'd (consciously or subconsciously) acknowledge it as a house with an inhabitant who was waiting for our return - usually by scampering to the door to meet us with his trademark yowl. There are empty spots and ghosts everywhere. McPie admitted today: "Yesterday I swept the floor and could not bring myself to do anything with the cat toys I found. I just left them there."
Anyway. Another picture, because he was so damn cute. In an ugly sort of way (as those of you who have met him will attest.)
6 comments:
So sorry. As a cat lover/owner I can only imagine how you feel. I'm sending you a big hug over the WWW.
awwwww, baby.
I'm so sorry. It just sucks to have to make that decision, even when you know it's the right thing to do.
damn. hugs to you. that empty house feeling will hit you at the oddest times. i still look for la smoochas poochas when we come home.
I am so sorry Heather. It is a lousy decision to have to make. And the house is empty in so many ways. I feel for you.
Oh, Finner.
We're incredibly sad to hear the news. A flood of memories have just come rushing back.
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