(Ass)ymetry

We have the most incredible perk here at my work: an on-site massage therapist.

True, she's only on-site for one day every other week, and we do have to pay for it (but benefits covers it). But, handy! I rarely had massages before, because it was so complicated to fit into my beyond-work schedule. Now, I'm a regular. (Okay, I've gone twice, but I'm booking ahead through Christmas.)

So, I had massage this morning, and it worked out all the kinks that had knotted up in my back and shoulders from the long drives and much sitting I've been doing recently. Aaaahhhh! Relief.

In addition to the shoulder kinks, the massage therapist and I somewhat accidentally discovered something rather shocking about my current anatomy: my left ass cheek is noticeably smaller than my right ass cheek.

Now, I say "current anatomy" because (presumably) I wasn't born like this. My larger ass cheek is the side of my body that I use for lunging in frisbee.

I've been playing for seven years. Say I've averaged game a week. Maybe I lunge - always on the same leg, the non-pivot foot leg - a half dozen times a game (I'm rolling in throwing practice here, which generally contains a higher lunge-per-throws ratio). Not counting non-frisbee-related lunging (which typically balances out each side), by my calculations, I've done 2184 lunges with my right leg, and 0 with my left leg.

(All the estimates are WAGs*, as I don't generally perform math. But I'd venture my estimates are conservative.)

2184 lunges apparently add up. To a single, enlarged ass cheek. (Or, I supposed you could say, 0 lunges add up to one under-sized, neglected ass cheek.)

And McPie married me anyway.

This news of this "defect" should not be a revelation to me. Last week we did curtsey squats in a weights class I took, which are essentially one legged squats. The next day my left (small, weak. pathetic and girly) ass cheek was really hurting. But my right side didn't hurt at all. But why haven't I heard of this issue before? I hang out with frisbee players all the time! Does everyone have this problem? Are frisbee players secretly - or unbeknownst to me - doing extra lunges with their pivot-legs in the off season? Or have I discovered a niche market for customized jeans for frisbee players, with one butt out-sized for the lunge-side?

Now, the one consolation is that when I say "noticeably smaller", I mean "noticeable to the professional and well-trained hands of an RMT who is specifically feeling around on my ass for this particular discrepancy." Of course, when she moved from my right side to my left, she may have exclaimed "Wow!" in alarm.

But still, if you're staring at my ass as I run down the field, you probably won't be able to see this asymetry.

This does explain why I occasionally find myself running in circles. And I'd always blamed this on "lack of field sense"! Ha!


*Wild-assed guess. This is a technical term in my industry.